Reading the newpaper and The Rules (the 1996 best-seller on how to land your man) the same evening, got me thinking. It’s primary season and the GOP candidates are out there killing themselves in hopes of wooing voters. I’m a Democrat, and nobody asked me, but they are going about this all wrong!
Mitt, Rick, Newt, Ron: listen up! Here are Rules to Win By:
Rule #1: You Are Each a Creature Unlike Any Other—You are demure, and a bit mysterious. Don’t volunteer a lot of information about yourself (your tax returns, mistresses, etc.)—let us wonder!
Rule #2: Don’t Talk to Us First—And don’t ask us to dance. Let us approach you, the demure, mysterious candidates. Be friendly, but don’t betray a lot of interest in us. Above all, don’t ask us to vote for you!
Rule #3 Don’t Stare at Us or Talk Too Much—We don’t want a long song and dance about what changes you will make in military spending or health care. We prefer our candidates to just stand there, aloof. Let us draw you out!
Rule #4 Don’t Go Dutch—Let us pay! Oh, wait—you already do this. Never mind.
Rule #5 Don’t Call Us and Rarely Return our Calls—The robocalls? Forget about’em! They make you appear needy and desperate! Wait for us to contact you—then don’t call us back. We love it when our candidates play hard to get!
Rule #6 Always End Phone Calls First—When we do call your office with a complaint or concern, cut us off! A good phrase to use: “I’ve got a million things to do!” You’re busy politicians! You don’t have time to listen to our every petty little gripe! Trust us, it’ll just make us love you more.
Rule #7 Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday—If you are invited to speak at a function in a hotly-contested primary state, and the event is coming up soon, you have other fish to fry that night. Even if you have to sit home alone watching Fox News, you have your pride!
Rule #13 Don’t See Us More than Once or Twice a Week—Honestly, you have been wearing out your welcome, with your nonstop appearances, speeches, debates. Disappear from our radar screen. Let us get a little jealous, wondering what you’re doing and who you’re with! When we are together, keep things light. When we ask about your foreign policy, laugh and say, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
If you follow The Rules, I can pretty much guarantee that one of you will win the nomination, if not the whole shebang. You’ll definitely win hearts. And you’ll do it with your self-respect intact, knowing you never groveled for voter attention, never pandered to our desire for facts and figures, that you maintained that bewitching, enigmatic air that drew folks to you in the first place.
Super Tuesday is up next week. Don’t you have something to do in Bermuda?