Lettuce Lessons

 

Belly up to the (salad) bar? No thank you!
photo by Filipp Romanovski on Pexels

I hate to say “I told you so.”

 

Well, to be honest, it’s one of my favorite things to say. Ask my kids.

 

At any rate, I DID tell you so. I knew, long, long ago, that eating healthy was dangerous. And so, I embarked upon a prominently fatty and sugary diet. And it has never let me down. Think about it: when was the last recall of Hostess Twinkies? Land O’ Lakes butter?  And yet, over and over we’ve been warned about scary contaminants in produce. Green onions were a big no-no for a while. Then came romaine. 

And now, the dreaded cyclospora has appeared in iceberg lettuce, and has been causing severe and nasty intestinal illnesses. There is widespread vegan panic! Out with the baby spinach and bagged Caesar kits! All the health nuts are purging their fridges of acres of arugula and cilantro and basil and bibb. As they do that, they are also throwing away the “green” that is their $20s and $50s, moolah that was so foolishly spent on rabbit food. 

 

Preservatives are called that for a reason, people: they preserve us from disease! Oh sure, those Cokes and Entenmann’s coffee cakes may cause a little bit of tooth rot, and maybe a smidge of extra tummy. But the sacrifice of our appearance is well worth it when we consider the alternative: ending up in the ER because we insisted on ordering the house salad instead of the fries at that restaurant. Bonus, btw: my diet is easy to chew (see “tooth rot” above.) No crisp celery and crunchy carrots for me! My preferred snacks of cinnamon buns and brownies are both delicious AND easy on the gums. 

 

Now, I’m no purist. I do love fish and seafood, especially recipes like a Chinese specialty featuring deep fried shrimp coated with a sauce made with lots of honey, mayonnaise and sweetened condensed milk. And I have been known to indulge in some asparagus from time to time, so long as there’s plenty of buttery hollandaise smothering it. Then there’s good old chicken. Those watching their "BMI"s broil the heck out of it, seasoning with pepper (no salt!) and fresh herbs. Not me! Give me Poulet Cordon Bleu every time, where those bird breasts are over stuffed with Swiss cheese and ham, and topped with bread crumbs and cream sauce!

 

I don’t even know my BMI; when the doctor mentions it, I just put my hands over my ears and sing “lalalala” until he stops talking.

 

Full disclosure: I have been trying to knock off a few pounds, for my outward "look", and not my inward health. And so, just a month ago, I made a resolution to eat more green things, and cut back on the tater tots. Ironic, isn’t it? Now, to remain out of the hospital, I am being warned AGAINST those very same green things! 

 

Remember “scared straight”? Well, this recent leafy menace has me scared, straight back where I belong.

 

The bakery.

I love making these "healthy" pumpkin cheesecake cookies!