Pebbling

  

Our culture stresses that it’s the grand gestures that really prove love (especially romantic love). I mean, would The Bachelor woo and win his prize by rolling up in a rusty 1997 Toyota Corolla, then splitting the cost of a Mickey D’s Extra Value meal? I think not! I remember the days when marriage proposals were not professionally filmed (for us, it was a gradual, “well, I guess we’re getting married…”), and wedding price tags didn’t rival a four-year Ivy League degree. Nowadays, if a teen wants a chance to score a date for the school dance, they’ll need to hire a mariachi band, secure a billboard in Times Square, and rent an airplane to fly a clever “promposal” banner over Miami Beach. The stakes are high, high, high!

 

And yet…it’s actually the little things, the tiny, under-the-radar thoughtfulnesses, that matter most. This goes for friendship, as well as courtship. For example, Steve’s endearing habit of bringing me a first cup of morning coffee in bed for the past 48 years, reminds me daily that I am loved. The cherished friends who reach out to me every year on the anniversary of my sister Mo’s death without fail, who remember my favorite songs, who read my books and essays. This stuff is priceless. 

 

Turns out, there’s a new term for all of this: pebbling. Huh? 

 

Scientists have been observing the behavior of Adélie and Gentoo penguins. These dapper denizens of Antarctica are known to give gifts of small, smooth stones to one another, to facilitate the building of nests. “Here!” one penguin offers another (in fluent Penguinese) “Have a pebble! Have two!” And so, together, they fashion, not just homes for future offspring, but a relationship as well. 

 

“Pebbling” in the human world now refers to any small, kind gestures that show we care for one another. For some, pebbling just comes naturally: those hand-writers of thank you notes, those givers of unscented candles (because they remember their friend hates scented ones), those bakers of someone’s favorite cookies. Others struggle to pebble (myself included). We are the bumbling buddies who send belated thank you texts; we’re the givers of ultra-fragrant “Tropical Gardenia Garden” candles to the possibly allergic recipient, and the bakers of oatmeal raisin cookies for the neighbor who likely enjoys neither oats nor raisins. 

 

For all of us, “pebbling” symbolizes making an effort, and reminds us that those efforts don’t have to be big, to count. I’m delighted that this simple message is gaining traction. Whatever the size of our bank accounts, we can be thoughtful and generous. We don’t need to gift friends and sweethearts with first-class tickets to Paris (although I personally would not be offended by this gesture! Just saying!) We can show up in each others’ lives with cups of coffee, or herbs from the garden, or emailed links to articles of interest. 

 

Let’s be like those wise waddlers Adélie and Gentoo.

 

Let’s pebble.**

**Note: giving of actual pebbles not recommended. Unless you’re a penguin.