There's an App for That

 

my iPhone, all apped up

I remember back when “app” meant Sour Cream Onion Dip. It was a “mobile app” if you took it to a potluck. 

 

I’m no inventor.  If I were George Washington Carver, I would have stared at the humble peanut forever, without finding a single use for it. If I were Thomas Edison, I’d still be in the dark. While I may have a bit of ability as a wordsmith, I will never come up with a clever way to make coffee using a hamster-on-a-wheel for energy. I am in awe of anything resembling a fabulous life hack, though I stop short of sending my hard-earned $49.99 (in four easy payments) to the manufacturers of the Incredible Instant Ice Cream Calorie Remover/Lawn Mulcher.

 

So naturally, when I decided to come up with a few whimsical ideas for mobile apps for this blog post, I struggled. For one thing, there are (as of Summer 2023) NINE MILLION apps available, with something like 1200 new ones cropping up daily. That’s some high-powered imagination, folks!

 

And every time I thought of something really outlandish, I discovered there was already an actual app for it. “Fake-an-Excuse” exists, my friends (this app offers realistic sounds to play during an unwanted phone call—burst water pipe, crying baby, swarm of bees- to give you an excuse to hang up.) So does “Run Pee” (tells you exactly when, as a movie viewer, it’s a good time for a bathroom break without missing important plot developments). “Carrr Matey” helps you find where you parked your vehicle--using a pirate voice. For reals. Arrr.

 

But there is one area where I feel there’s still room for innovation, app-wise. It’s the field of personal development and relationships. Here are a few random thoughts (patents pending, so don’t try pulling anything!)

 

“UnAltared!” Ditch that loser fiancé in church, right before you say, “I do!” During the Wedding March, your phone emits a piercing nuclear attack warning siren. As the petrified guests scramble for the exits, you can calmly take off your veil and disappear into the wilds of the Amazon (jungle, not shopping site). 

 

“Is My Child a Cereal Killer?” This app secretly records late night forays into your pantry, exposing four-year-old Bobby as the unprincipled Cocoa Puffs binge-eater that he is. 

 

“Am I Becoming My Mother?” This is a super-simple app. Whatever you ask it, the answer is always, “Yes. You are becoming your mother. Just stop.” In the paid version, an electric shock is added.

 

And then there’s “Tok-Tik-Chat-Snap”, where you can spend hours recording your own little video masterpieces, and just as you're about to share, they disappear forever. Great for reminding you of the depressing futility of life!

 

Finally, “Heading to Heaven” charts your every thought, word and deed, day and night (dreams included), so you always know what progress you are (or are NOT) making on the road to the Pearly Gates. Think of it as a Confessional in Your Pocket!

 

Go ahead. "Apply" yourselves, gang! Time’s a wasting!

Baking Communion bread with Sunday School--in the plus column for "Heading to Heaven"? Maybe?