Taking the Fifth (and the Second)

Aiden first day of kindergarten, September 2019

While much of my elementary school experience is a mental mush, for some reason my recall of both second and fifth grades is clear. In second grade at Epiphany School, I was just six years old. Academically I excelled (though the 1963 curriculum for grade 2 is more like what today’s toddlers are expected to tackle). There was lots of Dick, Jane, Spot and Puff (Puff? Was that the cat?), some SUPER simple math, and our first spelling bees (which I adored). Oh, and the Baltimore Catechism, which we parroted without a clue about what we were saying: #57: Q. What is venial sin? A. Venial sin is a slight offense against the law of God in matters of less importance, or in matters of great importance it is an offense committed without sufficient reflection or full consent of the will. Alrighty then.   

My teacher was Alice Mullally, whose name sounds sweet and mellifluous, but who was actually a tough cookie. Miss Mullally had taught my dad back in the Mesozoic Era; when I asked Dad what he remembered, the only thing was the day his classmate accidentally drove the sharp point of a protractor into his palm. No such bloody drama occurred when I was in Miss M’s class, but I remember seeing past her gruff exterior early on, and realizing she really did like kids (sorta).   

Then came nuns, for third and fourth. Fifth grade was Miss Hibbert, my second lay teacher. She awakened in me a lasting love of creative writing, and gave us more challenging books to read. She was also cut from the “strict but fair” cloth, but I was fond of her. At the end of fifth, I still had three more elementary school years to go, so growing up could wait awhile longer.  

In contrast, this is Aiden’s last year in elementary; Sandy Run Middle School looms for next fall. I’m not a huge fan of 6-7-8 middle schools; it seems unfortunate that the three most difficult years of childhood are isolated in one building. But meanwhile, I know he’ll do just fine this year as one of the “Big Kids” at Jarrettown.

Peter starts second (he missed the kindergarten cutoff with a late September birthday). Peter is bright to begin with, plus he has been successfully keeping up with Aiden his whole life, so he presents to the world as a much older child. His teacher, Mrs. Caviston, was his dad Sheridan’s and Uncle Evan’s kindergarten teacher back in the day, and she was Julie’s second grade teacher too. If she doesn’t receive a medal for teaching four Seyfrieds, I will buy her one.   

What will stay with my guys, I wonder? Memory is so strange, images and voices drifting through our brains, often randomly. My primary prayer for them both is a year of friends, fun and the joy of learning. If that’s all they recall in the future, that’ll be plenty.  

 Oh, one more prayer: please Lord, no protractor incidents!

the boys at Funland August 2024

Ramblin' Woman

for God's sake, Elise, shut up!

We won’t get into the political scene (promise), but I must take a moment and defend old #45 for one thing—his rambling digressions at rallies. For you see, I also have been known to take my listeners on a bit of a ramble now and then. I’m sure the Former Guy is, like me, just uncomfortable with silence, right? My subject matter could not be more different, but I too am guilty of talking onandonandon, at dinner parties and random bump-intos at grocery stores. “How’ve you been, Elise?’” is all the encouragement I need, and then I’m off to the verbal races. 

It's merely that my jam-packed life provides so much fodder—my writing challenges and successes, my speaking gigs, book readings, the classes I’m teaching! Then there’s the fam, from Stevo’s forays into the world of film work and Sheridan’s latest compositions and Evan’s Pacific Northwest tour guiding, to Rose and Julie’s Brooklyn adventures and Pat’s new sales career, not to mention significant others Ya-Jhu, Amrit, Ashlyn and Gil! And grandkids Aiden and Peter’s funny and endearing exploits. Did I tell you we have a new grandbaby coming in a month? And pets! There are three dogs and a cat among the brood, all with fascinating stories I can share! And…wait! Where are you going?

 

Yes, as I babble on, I know I’m once again guilty of oversharing. Even I get bored rolling into yet another tale from the Elise Chronicles. But all is not as it seems. I truly want to know what’s going on in my companions’ lives! And I do ask (eventually). Is it my fault that my “How’ve YOU beens?” are usually met with a compact paragraph or two? And then the dreaded silence looms once more, and I am forced to continue my saga of my travels. My unsolicited movie and book reviews. My random childhood memories! And…I see you drifting towards the exit! Get back here, friend!

 

My recent big project, writing the 100^th anniversary book for a country club, includes interviewing large numbers of club members and staff. So I’ve had over 40 convos with folks about their reminiscences. I always manage to get through the questions and their answers, but my subjects never escape without at least a small dose of my own commentary:”You have three grown children! That’s wonderful—I have five!” “You’ve been coming to the Delaware shore for 30 years? Wow! It’s 43 for us—and did I mention we produce the children’s theatre here?”

 

I have numerous dear friends who I consider amazing listeners. Now I realize—to be my dear friend, you’re kind of forced to be a good listener. Which is really unfair. So—I’m turning over a new leaf! Going forward, sit next to me at dinner, or stroll through the neighborhood by my side! You’ll have all the time and space you need to chat! Or we can be quiet! That’s great too!

 

What’s my plan?

Simple. 

 

I’ll just duct tape my mouth. 

You Had to Be There

Can you read that? Trust me, it's not worth it!

My first experiences with “comedy” included watching those horrible, sadistic Three Stooges on TV. Even at age four, I was repulsed by their face smacking, hair pulling, nose twisting antics. Even now, knowing that there are people walking around who think “Jackass” is funny, I am appalled that what the Stooges did was considered hilarious.  

More understandable, I suppose, were the fans of the misogynist comics of the 1950s, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and the like. But did ANY woman really find “Take my wife. Please” humorous? And, on the flip side, how about Phyllis Diller’s painful routines featuring her hubby “Fang”? Was EVERYONE that miserable with their spouses? 

 

Steve, being older than me, remembers enjoying early Bob Newhart and Nichols and May (and much of their material stands the test of time). By the time I could purchase albums, I went for George Carlin and Martin Mull and Robert Klein. What was once considered outrageous, now sounds quaint (Carlin’s Seven Words You Can’t Say on TV still has some shock value, but several of the words are commonly used now by all kinds of people). 

 

Looking waaaaay back, I found some Victorian humor that is mildly amusing, believe it or not: 

“I once loved a young girl, but, alas! she wasn’t made for me.”

“Then you didn’t marry her?”

“Yes, I did. That’s why I know.”

...though most of it is stilted and quite un-funny to modern sensibilities. 

 

And yes, I know Shakespeare wrote comedies, and some situations and lines are recognizable as such. But, try as I might, I cannot laugh helplessly at: 

“Thou Banbury cheese!” (from Merry Wives of Windsor. Maybe Gorgonzola would’ve worked better?)

 

Here in the 21^st century, there is so much comedic material out there that it’s like a firehose: standup, videos, improv, and so on. Emerging as a well-known name in such an overcrowded field is so much harder than it was back when your choices were whoever made it on Ed Sullivan. I can’t help but wonder who the comedy stars of tomorrow (i.e. 50 years from now) will be. And what material will audiences find so knee-slappingly funny? 

 

A few guesses:

 

Climate Change (“Hey, has anybody seen where Florida went?”)

Pandemics (“I’m old enough to remember when we only had one at a time!”)

A.I. (“My next joke is of unknown origin, and it isn’t remotely funny, but I’m programmed to deliver it anyway.”)

V.R. (“Put on that big clunky headset and it'll feel like you’re one of the Three Stooges!”)

Space Travel: (“To the moon, Alice!”—sorry, wrong century)

 

And the comedians themselves? I predict they’ll all be triple or quadruple threats, like our 52nd President Taylor Swift, cracking boyfriend jokes as she powers through her 43-song concert set and cures cancer. 

 

In truth, I have no clue what will tickle the funny bones of the future.

 

But if 2100 does call, I’d better be ready with a zinger or two.

 

“Thou cell-cultured meat!” 

 

Thank you. I’m here all week.

Truthiness

WWF match--c'mon, really?
photo by Patrick Case on Pexels

Do you remember the “old” Steven Colbert? The pundit he played on his original late night show The Colbert Report was performed so flawlessly that many people thought he was like that IRL (an egocentric blowhard). I loved his ridiculous persona, and was frankly skeptical that he could segue into another late-night show, hosting this time as his genuine self. I shouldn’t have worried; Colbert made a smooth transition, and now I have trouble summoning memories of his former incarnation. 

One thing I do recall from Steven #1, was his oft-used phrase “truthiness.” Definition: a seemingly truthful quality that is claimed for something, not because of supporting facts or evidence but because of a feeling that it is true, or a desire for it to be true. A lot of his humor came from his purported embrace of nonsense that, he said, had to be true because—well, just because of his gut feeling. This criterion is often applied to ridiculous conspiracy theories, but I think it could also be applied to celebrity gossip (many a career has been derailed because of a salacious rumor that has just enough "truthiness" to catch on). 

 

Though Colbert switched comedic gears years ago, truthiness hasn’t gone anywhere. In fact, the whole idea of absolute truth has gotten ever murkier. Not that this is new. Didn’t Pontius Pilate ask Jesus “What is truth?” during his trial? But our founding fathers held life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness to be “self-evident” truths, and a decent number of colonists agreed (though “liberty” didn’t stretch quite far enough to reach our brothers and sisters of color).

 

I recently learned the name of a very popular kind of truthiness; kayfabe. Kayfabe is a hallmark of the WWF—you know, those seemingly ultra-violent wrestling battles that are, in reality, just audience-pleasing fakes (“kayfabe” is the word “fake” in pig latin😊). 99% of the viewing crowd knows, deep down, that it’s all phony-baloney, but they tacitly agree to a willing suspension of disbelief. The whole thing is truthiness on steroids (!), taken as true because it's more entertaining that way. 

 

Reality TV is full of kayfabe examples. Those Real Housewives aren’t really as vacuous and back-stabbing as they appear (at least I hope not!) Many years ago, The Apprentice presented a certain person as a brilliant, shrewd and successful business executive; this kayfabe convinced vast numbers of people. A recent book by the show’s producers described all the maneuvering they had to do, to make that lie seem to be true. 

 

So, what IS truth? On what can we agree, based on solid research and reasoning? Sometimes it’s dangerous to “trust our gut”—that feeling might actually be indigestion, and not insight. I know my truth will never be 100% yours; we see the world through different eyes. But I believe we can make much more progress in separating the wheat of accuracy, from the chaff of falsehood.

 

Here’s to more truth, friends, and less truthiness!

Take My Easy-Peasy News Quiz!

photo by Luis Cortes on Unsplash

Not to brag, but I’ve recently become a current events expert. Previously, any discussion of the state of the world involving me, would go something like this. Me: “Can you believe what’s going on in the world? I mean, really, unbelievable! Something has to change, that’s for sure! It’s all about being an informed citizen! Remind me-- who’s president again?”

Nowadays, I ace the radio news quizzes, and I am equally comfortable I.D.ing both the leader of Slovenia (Nataša Pirc Musarand, of course) and the winner of the 2024 Masters (Scottie Scheffler)—or is it the other way around?

 

Paying it forward, it is my duty to drag you, my readers, along the path to enlightenment. To that end, I have devised my own ripped-from-the-headlines news quiz! As all of these events occurred very recently, it should be easy-peasy for you. It’s fun, and the winner gets my voice on their voicemail message!

 

Ready?

 

We may be in the middle of the Paris Summer Olympics, but the 

IOC is already announcing the site of the 2034 Winter games. The winning city is which of the following?

Oymyakon, Siberia (Motto: Frostbite Capital of the Arctic Circle!)

Death Valley, CA (Motto: We’ve Climate Changed!)

Answer: Salt Lake City, UT (Motto: Haha, Fooled You!)

 

Kamala Harris announces her running mate today. Who will she pick?

Answer: Usain Bolt (get it?)

 

The Fed just released the latest numbers on the economy. What were they? Good? Bad?

Answer: Both are correct, depending on your political afiliation.

 

The hottest day on record for the planet occurred here last week.Where was it?

Answer: Megan Thee Stallion’s Hot Girls concert in Chicago.

 

British classical music’s major summer music festival is underway. What’s it called?

The Cotillions

The Raves

The Proms

Burning Bloke

Answer: The Proms (though I like the sound of Burning Bloke)

 

Crowdstrike, the cybersecurity software company, was responsible for a massive computer outage that delayed or cancelled thousands of flights. What did Delta announce?

They are refunding the stranded passengers.

They are suing Crowdstrike.

They are reverting to Windows 3.1

Answer: They are suing Crowdstrike--what, you think they’re refunding

the passangers?

 

This week’s top-grossing movie was:

Despicable Me 4

Inside Out 2

Twisters 3.1

Deadpool/Wolverine

Answer: Deadpool/Wolverine, which I hear is Marvelous

 

Infielder Paul DeJong last week was traded from the Chicago WhiteSox 

to the Kansas City Royals. The two teams happened to be playing

each other when the trade was announced. What did DeJong do?

Answer: Played 4½ innings for both teams, changing uniforms halfway

through, as “The Stripper” was performed on the stadium organ.

 

Debby is a wild weather event! Its name sounds too cute, though. What should the next hurricane be called? 

Stormy

Deadpool

Wolverine

Answer: Stormy (followed by Windy and Scary)

Who named this news quiz best news quiz of the week, if not

the century?

Answer: Me

 

 

Tally up your score. How’d you do? That’s great!

 

Now, what would you like me to say on your voicemail message?

Ribbit

Red-eyed tree frog (he must've had a rough night)
Photo on Pixabay

For a gal who is terrified of snakes and other slimy, cold-blooded critters, I happen to be a major fan of frogs. To the same “degree” (get it? COLD-blooded? never mind) that I loathe iguanas, crocodiles, ‘gators, worms, fish (unless they are broiled and on my dinner plate) and 99% of bugs, I adore every little ribbit-er I see. 

I really can’t explain the fascination. I mean, they are not terribly attractive (with the exception of the vividly hued poison dart frogs of the Amazon). While some folks keep frogs as pets, that seems a bit cruel to me; joyful hopping is kinda their thing, and it’s hard for a li’l hopper to keep the momentum going within the confines of a home terrarium. Their food of choice is flies, which no thank you! And, needless to add, they are not cuddly or affectionate. 

 

And yet…

 

I adore the Frog and Toad children’s books, Mr. Toad from The Wind in the Willows, and Kermit The. Once in a while, some little tree frogs will scamper across our driveway, which is delightful, though one of us drivers (not me! I’m pretty sure!) accidentally squashed one. Our Peter was fascinated, and took my hand to lead me to the victim. He watched the unmoving frog somberly for several seconds, then said, “I guess he’s dead!” and scampered off. I, on the other hand, briefly considered finding a small box for a proper amphiburial.

 

So, in the absence of frog ownership, I content myself with random frog info. 

 

Did you know that there are frog saunas? It’s true! But before you envision, as I did, frogs sitting around hot cedar enclosures in tiny towels before jumping into icy water--these “saunas” are actually designed to cure a fungal infection called chytridiomycosis. The saunas are made of bricks and a teensy greenhouse; the heat kills off the fungus. I prefer my image, btw.

 

Also…

 

Frogs have been on earth for more than 200 million years.

 

“Toads” are actually frogs that have dry skin and warts (if you were 200 million years old, you’d look like that too).

 

Frogs were the first land animals with vocal cords. If you listen closely on a summer night, you’ll hear them sing, in perfect four-part harmony, songs like “Froggy Went a Courtin’ (trad., arranged by Bob Dylan) “I Can Be a Frog” (The Flaming Lips) and “Frogs and Princes” (Natasha Bedingfield). It all sounds like random croaks to you? Clearly you do not have my finely developed ear.

According to The American Museum of Natural History: “The gastric brooding frog of Australia swallows her fertilized eggs. The tadpoles remain in her stomach for up to eight weeks, finally hopping out of her mouth as little frogs. During the brooding period, gastric secretions cease—otherwise she would digest her own offspring.” Trying to decide if this is a better, or worse, concept than human pregnancy and childbirth. I’ll get back to you.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.