Help Wanted

Say it ain't so, Chuck! (photo by Noah Smith on Pixabay)

It’s one tough job market out there, gang. As people continue struggling to find employment, that Walmart greeter position is looking better and better—even to Harvard Law grads!

 

We need to get creative (I mean YOU, not ME, of course--I am a very successful full-time writer making several dollars per week). I think LinkedIn only goes so far, listing its boring career opportunities; I myself would hate to be trapped in a cushy corner office, toiling away as a CFO or UFO or whatever it is those cushy office-dwellers are. 

 

As a public service to the current crop of job-seekers, may I suggest the following, actual opportunities? 

 

Grand Carver of England: A royal position dedicated exclusively to slicing and serving meat for monarchs and special state guests. BYOK (bring your own knife)

Shoelace Ironer: King Charles reportedly employs staff to press his shoelaces flat with an iron and immediately replace them with a fresh pair if they look threadbare. Rumor has it that His Majesty is eyeing some slip-ons. Uh oh.

Ludacris’s Game Boy Battery Changer: The rapper employs someone to keep his portable gaming devices charged, with fresh batteries. Is he really that lazy? Well, that’s just…ludicrous.

Mariah Carey* reportedly paid people to lower her onto a talk-show sofa so her gown wouldn't get crushed. 

Lady Gaga* employs staff whose job is to carry her around when she’s wearing her outlandish stage costumes. *A real, muscular hustler could handle both jobs; MC and LG are rarely at the same events.

White House Chief Calligrapher: All you bar mitzvah and bridal shower pen-persons, please take “note”!

The Pope’s Astronomer: Responsible for the beloved annual Papal Blessing of the Quarks

New York City Rat Czar: Is this job to get rid of the rats? Or to become their king? Apply and find out, I guess…

 

Now that I’m writing about Jobs Serving the Rich and Famous, I’ll add tasks I would gladly compensate MY staff to execute, if I were ever to become staffed. These chores would include:

 

Climate Controller: It’s not as cut-and-dried as “Steve hates air conditioning and I adore it.” No, I personally need someone on the payroll to constantly adjust the thermostat so that I am perfectly comfortable 24/7, no matter what I’m wearing, and before, after, and during physical activity. Warning: I can intuitively tell 67 from 68 degrees, so don’t try slacking off!

Dust Buster: There has to be a better technique than mine (the quick, fruitless “company’s coming” swipe). I seek a soul who can “Pledge” to keep my environs mote-free at all times.

Meal Announcer: They would roam our house and yard every evening at 6 sharp, yelling “DINNER IS ON THE TABLE AND IT’S GETTING COLD!!!” at top of lungs. This would require at least 5-20 repetitions before the last little straggler ambles into the dining room and complains that dinner is, in fact, now cold.

 

Happy hunting! I look forward to carefully considering, then throwing away, your applications soon! 

Rodent Monarch Wanted (but the pay is not very...Gouda)