Applauce, Applause

I admit it—I am becoming THAT crotchety old lady. At least 80% of what is going on in this country annoys the heck out of me, from the major horrors of the current administration, to the minor--but still irksome--stuff. You know:

People who gab in the movie theater as if they are watching Netflix in their living rooms. 

Drivers who go too fast or too slow; NO one seems to go “just right” anymore—except me. 

The poor quality of every modern appliance I buy. Are we supposed to replace our stoves and fridges every year? My late mother-in-law’s electric skillet still skillet-izes just fine after 70+ years! Those old skillet-crafting artisans should be proud!  

And so on.   

Lately, audience etiquette has been sticking in my craw—particularly the surfeit of insincere applause. Clapping much too much. Clapping between movements of classical works. Automatic standing ovations (with cheers and, yes, more applause) at the end of the most mediocre plays imaginable. I find myself grumpily remaining seated, hands in my lap, a silent (and pointless) protest against such boorishness.  

I decided to research the strange custom of putting our hands together like trained seals with their flippers, after any and every type of entertainment. Did you know that applause was originally designed to show DIS-pleasure, specifically to drown out BAD performances? Those ancient Romans would be appalled to see their Nays become today’s Yays! 

Nowadays, the ever-polite Japanese favor tejine (a formalized clapping style that brings events, business meetings and religious ceremonies to a dignified close), while the Scandinavians prefer slow, rhythmic claps that naturally lead to perfect unison. I think the deaf community has it just right—they silently wave their hands in the air to show their appreciation. I fear, though, if I did that in a theatre, the actors on stage would assume I was asking them a question.  

I think what bothers me the most, is that this age-old gesture is so overdone that it means nothing anymore. Let’s face it, isn’t a standing ovation primarily a way to easily scoot out of the venue and beat the other attendees to the parking lot? And don’t get me started on the raucous, beer-spilling sports fans and their incessant noise-making! I long to return to a quieter, more thoughtful time, when people applauded briefly, sincerely, and only if so moved.   

What do I think of applause for ME, you ask?  

That’s different. 

I’m heading to Des Moines, Iowa tomorrow to speak at the WELCA Triennial gathering. I have worked really hard on my presentation. I therefore expect a massive response, commensurate with all my effort expended. Clapping! Cheering! Standing on their seats! Whistling and hooting and hollering! Yes to all of it! I want those Lutheran gals doing The Wave, and shouting “Amen, sister!” after each of my brilliant remarks! I will be satisfied with nothing less than a revival tent level of enthusiasm!!!   

After that, everyone needs to just pipe down. Show some decorum, for Heaven’s sake.