My Personality in Six TV Commercials

  

 

There’s a terrific book of essays by Kathleen Norris and Gareth Higgins. It’s called A Whole Life in Twelve Movies, and a small group of my friends has gathered regularly after watching each suggested film, to discuss the relevance of said film to the stages of our lives. For example, the first movie/essay combo was 2001: A Space Odyssey, and the life stage was “waiting to be born”. Other chosen flicks include The Fisher King (the breaking and remaking of self), Malcolm X, (vocation) and Babette’s Feast. (generosity). Our sharing has been deep and meaningful, and it’s been a great experience.

 

Which means, of course, I am compelled to write a parody of it. I’m calling mine:

 

MY PERSONALITY IN SIX TV COMMERCIALS 

A listing of ads that speak to me (and about me)…

 

Here goes!

 

#1 I HAVE A SHORT ATTENTION SPAN

SKITTLES

Any of the brief, weird “taste the rainbow” ads, especially the one where the guy is milking a giraffe and Skittles pour out. Keeps me focused for the entire 20 seconds.

 

#2 I’M VERY TALKATIVE

HUMIRA ARTHRITIS MEDICATION

The rat-a-tat voiceover of doom at the end:

“HumirahasbeenknowntocauseinfectionsandcancersincludinglymphomakidneyliverthyroidandeyelashcancerdonottakeHumiraifyouhavetestedpositiveforTBscurvyorhaveapositiveattitudeaskyourdoctorifhumiraisrightforyoubutevenifhesaysyesitcankillyousothisisyourwarning.” 

 

I’m not THAT bad. Am I?

 

#3 I’M RATHER BOSSY

PALMOLIVE DISH LIQUID

The oldie featuring overbearing manicurist Madge, who insists on soaking her customers’ fingers in Palmolive Liquid “because it softens hands while you do dishes.” Her patrons probably haven’t washed a dish in their lives, but they are too terrified of Madge to request actual hand lotion instead. I can be quite Madge-like at times (ask my fam).

 

#4 I’M FUNNY-ISH 

It is generally accepted that I do have a sense of humor of some sort. I find the emu and the talking lizard in insurance ads unbearable. If you think those are a riot, we may not see eye to comic eye. Instead, I really enjoy the snarky PROGRESSIVE (also insurance, hmmm?) commercials where the guy is teaching people not to be like their parents. If you also like those, you’ll probably find me funny-ish.

 

 

#5 I’M SMART-ISH

 

My intelligence level is a matter of opinion. My fourth grade teacher Sister Mary Brendan told me I was too smart for my own good. That said, I identify with the classic Partnership for a Drug-Free America’s THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS ad, which I credit for both my terror of losing what brain cells I still do possess, and my lingering fear of fried eggs.

 #6 I’M AFFECTIONATE

I will never hold a candle to my warm and fuzzy mom Joanie, but I do sprinkle my convos with plenty of “honeys” and “sweeties,” and if you are in arm’s reach of me you WILL be hugged. Guaranteed.I had to choose between commercials for Huggies diapers and Hershey Hugs chocolates. Unsurprisingly, HERSHEY HUGS won (though Huggies is another fine product, one I purchased quite often for the diaper needs of my five babies).

 

There you have it! 

 

How about you? What songs/plays/books/etc. would sum YOU up?