Artistic Licensing

  

photo by Aibek Skakov on Pexels

 

If you have ever asked yourself: “What artistic genius designed the iconic logo for Chupa Chups lollipops?” --I have solved the mystery! It was none other than Señor Melting Clocks himself, Salvador Dali, who was approached by the Spanish confectioner in 1969. The jazzy result has graced their sweets wrappers ever since. “Chupa” translates as “suck” in Catalan, but I think they missed a great opportunity to name them “Dali’s Lollys.” 

 

It got me thinking, an always dangerous pursuit. If the greatest artists of all time decided to cash in on branding, what would they likely choose? Never fear; I’ve come up with can’t miss matchings of men and merch!! Such as…

 

Monet (Manet) Market Funds

 

A money market is a mutual fund that invests in short-term, high-quality securities. A “Monet” Market (sometimes pronounced “Manet”) is designed for investors in posters, coffee mugs and refrigerator magnets featuring “Water Lilies” (or “Le Déjeuner sur l'Herbe”). Short term indeed, as coffee mugs break, posters tear, and magnets fall under fridges!

 

 

Van Gogh Automobile Dealership

 

If you want to buy a van, you have one prime criterion. That thing has to GO, amirite? Van-Go, get it? Picture a dealership where, on any given day (or starry night), you can purchase a big honking vehicle with no money (Monet?) down and a very attractive APR over five years. Making a bold expressway statement doesn’t have to cost an arm, leg OR ear!

 

Da Vinci (Code) Remedy

 

Feeling kinda stuffy? Were you not able to taste your last supper? Well, has Leo got the cold (or, as you say it now, “code”) remedy for you! It’s a sinus-clearing blend of linseed oil and gel medium. You’ll be back to smelling the beautifully painted roses in no time! And apparently the Great One was also a perfumier, so feel free to dab a little on your wrist!

 

Vermeer Beer

 

In the mood for a Flemish bevvy? Try this stunning brew! The bottles are adorned with colorful and meaningful labels, including “Girl with a Pearl Earring” “The Milkmaid,” and “The Wine Glass” (renamed as “Girl with a Can of Beer,” “The Beermaid” and “The Beer Glass.”) Also available as a lite beer with a tip of the hat to another Dutch master: “Skinny Rubens.” 

 

Picasso Lottery Game

 

Pick(asso) your numbers and take a chance! Picasso combines the thrill of throwing your money (Monet?) away, with the fun of creating your own lotto masterpiece, Pablo style. Each ticket is imprinted with a picture of a body part. The more tickets you buy, the weirder the combinations! Ever dreamed of a face with five eyes, three noses, and a leg (NO ear!)? Tape those losing tix together and voila! You've got yourself a masterwork!

 

Sadly, these artistic giants are all dead, so they’ll never reap the financial benefits of these clever tie-ins. But good news! YOU get to keep all the Monet for yourself, so go ahead and start up a famously-named startup! 

 

I call dibs on Jackson Pollock Seafood.

"Sunflowers" mug photo by Van3ssa on Pixabay

The Ticketmaster

   

We saw Pope Francis (from afar)! See Ticket to Heaven, below

 

 

Steve and I are heading up to NYC for a special performance by comedian Mike Birbiglia this Friday. Julie, Gil, Rose and Amrit are joining us, and I took a moment to look for our tickets online (I’d bought all six and been reimbursed.) Horrors! Nary a trace of a purchase! But I knew I’d secured the tix way back in October! I combed through my American Express statements and theatre emails, looking for attachments. Finally, I called the theatre itself. “Oh, I see your six tickets!” said the box office person. “You bought them on Ticketmaster. Go to their website.” When I did, wonder of wonders, there they were. But there’s no way to print them out. They exist on the Ticketmaster app on my iPhone. So now I’ll worry all week that there’ll be a tech glitch and we won’t be able to get in.

 

I feel that way about tickets of all types. Though the world has moved on from paper, and everybody just shows their phones now at the airport gate and concert venue, I feel TONS better with a physical ticket in hand. They are incontrovertible proof that I belong wherever it is I’m going, and they make dandy souvenirs as well. I love looking at the little bright green Funland ride tickets in winter, daydreaming about the Rehoboth Beach boardwalk and the fun our kids and grandkids have had on the carousel and Sea Dragon. In a genius bit of marketing, the tickets never expire; I’ve been known to surrender limp, gray, and smudged tix from several years ago, and they still give us access to the many joys of Funland. 

 

I'm not a supermarket deli counter regular, but I do notice that the old-school ticket machine is still there, the little slips informing the customers that they are #77 in line. The last time I took a deli ticket, I was pleased to see that they were already at #76. Alas, the 76er was a nightmare orderer, “I’ll have ¼ pound provolone, sliced thin. No, that’s too thin. I want a ¼ pound of turkey breast. Is it smoked? I want PLAIN turkey and make it lean! Now I want a small tub of coleslaw. No, medium! No, small! No…” At that point I decided I didn’t want roast beef badly enough to wait another month, and walked away.

 

Other ticket observations:

 

Never bought a lottery ticket. It’s simpler to just set fire to a $20. 

 

I love skip-the-line tix for museums when we travel—especially the envious looks we get sailing past the long, straggly queue for the Uffizi or Musée d’Orsay.

 

Wish there was such a thing as a Ticket to Heaven that I could pre-book. I’d pay any price, and even clean up my behavior, if I knew St. Peter would be there to wave me right through the Pearly Gates. Afterlife Insurance!

 

With my luck, though, it’d only be available on my iPhone, which of course I left back on earth.

Everyone Will Be Famous For 10 Seconds

Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.

                                                            --Andy Warhol

The celebrity A-list sure is a firehose of ever-changing names and faces these days! Time was, we could gradually absorb our Anne Hathaways and our Meg Ryans, our Sandra Bullocks and our Tom Cruises and our George Clooneys. These dazzling folks achieved eventual fame and fortune, with even our grandmas aware of their advancing careers. 

But this bunch! They rapidly reign in TikTokville, in the far-reaches of the Indie Movieverse. They are the musical guests on SNL that I Google, even as I am watching them and trying to make sense of their performances. I don’t kid myself—we’re never going back to a simpler time, when David Cassidy’s puss was plastered over all the teen mags, and everybody loved Farrah Fawcett. But there has to be a way to stem the tide, or at least take a pause and acquaint ourselves with the new pop culture supernovas.

 

Happily, there are a few evergreens—people who’ve been famous for decades and show no signs of disappearing. I’m talking to you, Tay Tay and Gaga (is it me, or do they sound like Baby’s First Words?) I feel confident that Madonna will continue to record albums and appear at New York Fashion Week, with her diamond-encrusted walker and 60-year-old boy toy.

 

But let’s get learning! In the refreshing spirit of enlightenment, I’m pleased to introduce you to some of the Big Guns of Today. Have this blog post handy, and refresh your memory as needed—keeping in mind that, by the time you finish reading this, at least 50 new stars will have emerged on the scene, with an equal number fading into obscurity. It’s a hard-knock life, Megan Thee Stallion!

 

LUKAS GAGE: At age 29 the “eminence grise” of the group, Old Man Gage has appeared in Euphoria,You, and The White Lotus. He began his career doing wart-removal ads. This is one wart who has definitely made his mark!

 

TATE MC RAE: Singer, songwriter and dancer, McRae first attracted notice during her appearance on the hit Canadian TV show So You Think You Can Dance, Eh? She will no doubt continue to gain popularity as more and more of us relocate to Calgary.

 

DUA LIPA: The British/Albanian singer, model and entrepreneur we’ve all been waiting for.  Lipa (Dua?) is known for her husky voice, blending disco, pop and club music. Her hit “IDGAF” won her a British Grammy (note: I believe IDGAF stands for “I Dig Our Great Air Force.” Right??)

 

NOAH BECK: A former soccer player with the Portland Pilots, young Beck’s renown comes from his quirky dances and skits on TikTok, which have earned him 34 MILLION followers. I bet that number even beats the audience for Jeopardy!! 

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET: American/French actor, Timmy broke out with his star turn in Call Me By Your Name, which earned him both Oscar and Golden Globe noms. But his greatest honor? He is (as of this writing) Kylie Jenner’s boyfriend.

 

You’re all set! Go forth and banter with your Gen Z offspring!

Quiz time! Lukas? Noah? Timothée? David Cassidy?

Baby Magic

That's my guy!

Pardon me for basking. We Seyfrieds are currently enjoying bathing in the golden glow of Babyland. These are the magical months post-newborn and pre-toddler, when Dimitri is not as fragile as he was, nor as mobile as he will be. He still sleeps a lot, and is a super sport about being passed around to various doting grownups. He’s starting to play with toys and eat rice cereal and smile huge, drooly smiles.    

His presence is such a blessing, and a constant reminder of innocence and joy. Of course, he’s not the only infant to ever have bestowed such a gift—in their turns, Aiden and Peter were similar small wonders, as were Sheridan, Evan, Rose, Patrick and Julie, as before them were Steve with his sibs, and me with mine. I look at old photos, and it’s clear the Baby Magic extends back many generations.  

Mom, Uncle Gerry and Uncle Jack

I think about these precious little ones so very often nowadays, and I cry for the world they are inheriting. How could we adults have so botched things? Is it fair to expect Dimitri to right this sinking ship? The most poignant aspect of my musings? I must watch my third grandson in real time, every day, living his small, oh so important life with us, totally oblivious to the seriously scary future he is facing. He marvels at the bright colors on his quilt, chortles with glee when Steve (“Pa”) makes funny faces and sounds, and examines his toes as if they were the eighth wonder of the world (which, for him, they are). The world’s worries are totally unknown to him.  

Guess it’s good that we have a while yet before his emancipation. Think about the animal kingdom—the baby birds pushed from their nests, the tiny sea turtles hatched and left to make their perilous way alone to the ocean. I understand that this brief time of parental protection is the norm in nature, but it still feels abrupt and a bit unfair. If I were a Momma Rabbit, you can bet I wouldn’t hop away from my furry little offspring until they were at least teenagers. I would be the ultimate Helicopter Kittycat Mom, hovering endlessly around my mewing brood.   

Deep down, though, I realize there’s a lesson to be learned here. We parents will not always be there, and encouraging independence is both necessary and positive. There’s no such thing as a giraffe who lives in the basement playing video games for decades. Animal moms and dads make themselves redundant eventually, gracefully making way for the next generation to assert itself.   

And so we will let Dimitri grow up. We will cheer his walking and talking and ball-throwing and yes, even his tantrums. He deserves a chance to become fully himself, and our job is to gradually loosen the ties that bind him to us.   

Meanwhile, though, we will relish our beautiful sojourn with the current Mayor of Babyland. He holds the Fisher-Price plastic keys to our hearts.