The Intangibles!

One of The Intangibles?

Sounds like a Superhero family!

 

Uh-uh. “Intangibles” are defined as “having no physical existence, unable to be touched or grasped.”

 

Sounds like Casper the Friendly Ghost, then?

 

NO. Well, I mean, kind of. But that’s not where I’m going.

 

Pity. Ghosts are cool.

 

May I go on?

 

Please.

 

Alrighty then. 

 

We all have intangibles in our lives. Love is one, so are happiness, and disappointment, and sorrow. Our emotions are intangible (though they can be linked to actual objects such as engagement rings, and tiny grandkids giving hugs, and teen grandkids not giving hugs anymore, and that empty carton of ice cream.) 

 

Then there are intangibles that we hear about on the news-- cryptocurrency, for example. You might assume it is the money used by ghosts (crypt, get it?) (also see Casper, above). But no, it’s a form of virtual, digital currency traded on blockchain technology. What is “blockchain technology,” you ask?

 

Too complicated for YOU to understand, I’m afraid! 

 

UNESCO (the United Nations Education, Science and Culture Organization) has designated various places on the planet as “World Heritage” sites. These are locales filled with historical significance—Rome, for instance. Stonehenge. Old Town Prague. The Gaudi buildings in Barcelona. We’ve visited several of these special sites, and rarely miss an opportunity to brag about this fact.

 

Well, now I’m learning about an offshoot of these—examples of UNESCO “intangible cultural heritage" sites. The sausage stalls of Vienna (würstelstande) qualify. And they are wonderful…casual spots where one can stand around and stuff one’s face with the best wursts anywhere. But what’s the “intangible” part? Seems it’s the unique lingo that has grown up around them.  A pickle is a “krokodu” (crocodile). A “Sechzehner Blech" (a sixteener tin) is an Ottakringer-brand beer. Ottakring is the name of Vienna's 16th district, where the beer is brewed. One can also order "a Eitrige mit an Bugl" (a purulent with a hump): this is a Käsekrainer sausage with the edge piece of brown bread. It is translated as: a disgusting (pus-filled) thing (with a hump). 

 

I think what I love the most about the Viennese is their delightful sense of humor.

 

Which got me thinking. What is the intangible cultural heritage of Philly, my adopted hometown? Is it our “patois” (the way Philly folk speak, not to be confused with "Pat’s, King of Steaks")? Such a musical dialect! Wooder (water), Left (let--"I left them stay up late"), Jeet ("did you eat?"), Iggles (Eagles, world’s premier football team). Or is it our Mummers Parade? The costumes are tangible for sure, but the custom of wearing very expensive feathered and sequined garb to march in freezing, wet January weather? I guess “stupidity” could be called an intangible!! 

 

I struggled to explain intangibles of faith to Confirmation classes--like the Holy Spirit. The kids didn’t really connect with the images of a dove, or a tongue of fire. But maybe I should’ve described it as “what we feel about the Iggles.” 

 

Filling out the UNESCO application now!

Our favorite wurstelstand in Vienna!

And Now, a Musical Interlude

Moi, as the tricycling Mama Bear

My career as a lyricist has been brief…mostly penning rhymes for songs in our children’s theatre musicals (such as the immortal Little Goldy and the Three Riding Bears). I did collaborate with Steve on some of the numbers in Flight (a musical we worked on decades ago, about the life of eccentric billionaire Howard Hughes—that one was NOT for kids). But I do enjoy lyric writing—especially parodies of existing songs. The modern master, of course, is Randy Rainbow, whose output of witty take-offs is really prodigious. 

My grandma was a music teacher in New York City, and her specialty was staging operettas. I wish I’d seen one of her productions, which starred junior high-aged kids from the mean streets of Manhattan’s Lower East Side. Apparently, she worked wonders. One of her retirement gifts was a set of figurines based on characters of The Mikado. 

In tribute to Florence Cunningham, then, my version of The Lord High Executioner’s big number in that show. Note: composers G&S actually ENCOURAGED updating it! So here we go…

 

“I’ve Got a Little List” from The Mikado (sorta)

(apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)

 

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found

I’ve got a little list (I’ve got a little list)

Of society’s offenders who might well be underground

And who never would be missed (they never would be missed)

There’s the pestilential influencer on the internet

Who makes a fortune telling you the stuff you need to get

And the neighbor with his noisy blowers for the leaves and snow

He really has to go (he really has to go)

And whoever writes those ads for medications on TV

I hope that they will flee (with all their pharmacology)

There’s the Nana with her endless photos of her baby grands

Who brags and brags for hours but she never understands

That a sympathetic listener’s impossible to find...

I’m that Nana! Never mind! (I mean it—never mind!)

There’s the shopper with 12 items in the line for 10 or less

The litterers who leave the city streets in such a mess

By now you’ve got the gist (they’d none of them be missed)

And if I could wave a magic wand and make them go away

I’d vanish every sportscaster and every play-by-play

And whoever wrote the music you endure when you’re on hold

Plus the never-ending pollsters and the ever-useless polled

They’re also on my list (their predictions always missed)

It’s a shame so many humans are annoying to the max

I wish that I could charge them all a giant nuisance tax

Then wave goodbye as they are launched far into outer space

They wouldn’t leave a trace (just the smile upon my face)

So to stay upon my good side, you must try not to forgetta

The duds of which I sing in this delightful operetta

Lest you become a number on my not-so-little list

My very lengthy list!

 

Gilbert and–Seyfried? What do you think?